I have been thinking about responsible behavior versus taking responsibility a lot lately. It would be facile to say that it was inspired by Simone Biles and her all too public journey through the Olympic Games this past month.

But that is not it.

What started me thinking about this was my never-ending desire to have very detailed plans and assurances from the people around me that they had bought into my plans and could be counted on to help them succeed. These plans are sometimes work plans, sometimes fun plans, and sometimes plans with my children. 

Part of it is the engineer in me. I have identified stakeholders and I expect them to buy in and contribute to the plan. Seizing responsibility gives me visibility to how the plan will execute.

I have come to see that this is also a tiny little bit manipulative.

What starts as a desire for visibility and predictability becomes a need to control. We WILL eat at 7:30pm. We WILL arrive at your house at 1pm. We Will awaken at 8:10am. (My Child^[1] and My Son^[2] both reject the last one^[3]!) Slowly, from understanding how to best use my resources, it becomes an insult if things do not go as I had planned.

Writing that, I am thinking of Deloris Umbridge being determined to punish Harry^[4].

What I said above, finding the best use of my resources, comes from a desire to act responsibly. For example, if I have defrosted hamburgers, then that is what we will have for dinner either tonight or tomorrow. If we do not have the hamburgers before they go bad, that is wasteful. Waste is bad. On the other hand, the act of taking the hamburgers from the freezer has given me control. What I do after I initiate the controlling action is responsible. I have taken responsibility for dinner.

But what if you don’t feel like hamburgers for dinner either tonight or tomorrow? What if you were doing a meat free week^[5]?

Virtues, or so I was told, were supposed to be independent of where the virtue functions. I bought into that for many years, but I don’t anymore. It is important to recognize that responsible behavior does not happen in a vacuum. It can only take place after the costs and benefits of that behavior is identifiable. It can only take place once someone has seized responsibility for the final outcomes.

And so, as I have been pondering these issues, I thought of Simone Biles. She acted responsibly. She also acted in a way that determined that someone else seizing responsibility for her performance was not acceptable. That is so hard. She did it with grace. She also competed at these crazy Olympics after having had the twisties^[6] and she once again won bronze on the balance beam.

Wow.

It takes courage to act responsibly when someone else asserts responsibility for the outcomes of your actions. It takes courage to walk the line between shared goals and personal ownership.

Like everything else the past year, I am not sure I understand how this thought works in the bigger world.

Let’s talk about wearing a mask^[7]. The whole political debate about wearing a mask is really the wrong conversation when talking about acting responsibly versus taking responsibility. Honestly, even talking about wearing a mask in public has skipped over the more important moral question: Do we have a responsibility, when sick, to not pass that illness on to another person if we can avoid it?

So, responsibility. Are we supposed to exercise control over our own desires to have a common good outcome? Yes. Yes we are. We are supposed to not expose people to danger. Well, that is what I think.

So how to act responsibly? I believe that is up to you. There are options^[8]. But those options are part of your personal freedom.

I wear a mask on the bus, when out shopping, and most of the time when I am in the office. And I have made a decision. I am not going to judge another person’s action without knowing that they are acting irresponsibly. We have to have trust in our fellows or we have nothing. Will we all fail to act responsibly sometimes? Yes. Will we waste resources that could have been used to better purpose? Yes.

But I don’t have responsibility for everyone. All I can do is be aware when my choice sets up a choice from someone else to act responsibly. And when I do that, I have to accept that sometimes, that wasn’t my responsibility.

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^[1] BigOne will henceforth be known as My Child.

^[2] LittleOne will henceforth be known as My Son.

^[3] Someday, I may even remember both of their names.

^[4] Yeah, I still love the Harry Potter books.

^[5] Your brother would be proud!

^[6] Look it up. That is what they call it. It is like the flu for being able to execute gymnastic moves, or so I understand.

^[7] Yep, I went there.

^[8] You can google those too.