I was a child in the 70s. I mean, almost the entire 70s[1]. And, having been raised with good midwestern[2]values, I can tell you the ideas that you have to Suck it Up and Let it Go were the expectation of good behavior.
What was it about the 70s in the Midwest that led people to turn toddlers into latchkey kids and hold them responsible for how the world treated us? I think this was a contributing factor to the advent of Helicopter Parenting in that we had to hold a stiff upper lip and do it on our own. I know it led me to be a bit more protective of my children.
Suck it Up
Are you sick? Is your fever over 101 deg F? No? Then, go to school. Go to work. Find some inner strength and get ‘er done.
I remember when I was in 7th grade, I was going to go to my first rock concert[3]. I was very excited, but I had caught a cold. I was a busy girl since I had a paper route and I had several after school activities including gymnastics, choir, youth group and being a 13 year old. My parents made it plain I could not go to the concert unless I got myself up and got myself to school, participated in all of my activities, completed my paper route, and had all my homework done. I also would have to do all those things after of the concert OR ELSE[4]. A cold wasn’t anything, and it was time to suck it up if I wanted to go to the concert.
While it was about 40 years ago, the way I remember it I did suck it up and go to the concert. I almost never run a fever, so I made it to the weekend and was exhausted. I quit gymnastics and my paper route as soon as I could after that. It was too much.
Let it Go
I remember thinking this was unfair. Every activity I wanted to be in was quantum. I couldn’t dabble in something, I had to commit[5]. And when it was over[6], it was time to Let it Go. While I love the anthem from the first Frozen movie, I don’t think Let it Go is a good role model for girls when the letting it go is how other people hurt you.
My mother had about a hundred maxims for how you should face life when you think something outside you is making your situation unfair. They started with, “Life isn’t fair,” and morphed into telling my sibs and I the tiniest violin in the world was playing in sympathy for us[7].
The thing about letting it go and sucking it up, as I experienced it, is this mindset puts the responsibility on the individual for how you interact with the world. Part of me wants to reject this idea outright because we gain our experiences by interacting with the world and learning we don’t have control over everything.
I have become a big believer in the power of self-compassion and mindfulness in the past few months[8]. The idea that you don’t have to just accept what the world gives you and hold yourself responsible for those challenges is powerful. The idea that you can observe both what you encounter in the world and how you react to it without judgement. I find these concepts both freeing and powerful. The radical concept that you can be as compassionate to yourself and your actions as you are for your friends and strangers has helped me deal with all the craziness of the last two years where I felt my world view was not suited to the world I found myself in.
And yet…
I am beginning to realize your world view has to change as the world changes, or you stagnate. Maybe “Suck it Up” and “Let it Go” worked for me really well before it didn’t. Maybe self-compassion wouldn’t have been so helpful to me until I needed it now.
I hear, from time to time, my mother’s maxims come out of my mouth at my children passing along what now seems ridiculous expectations for a BigOne and a LittleOne. Husband and I discuss and discard things that our parents did that didn’t help us growing up trying new ways to raise the kids to be responsible and productive in the world. With all that intention, I still find the maxims and expectations that were placed on me coming out of my mouth and going in to the kids’ ears.
It is hardest, perhaps, in middle age[9] to realize that the elasticity of emotions will need to continue to change as we, as individuals, interact and react to the world instead of going on autopilot. This elasticity is needed in our actions and intentions as well. Basically, don’t give yesterday’s response to today’s situation.
Autopilot for life, for relationships, for philosophy, may be the real enemy.
I’m glad I have encountered self-compassion and I am working to embrace it in all areas of my life. But it may not have worked for me in the 70s and 80s as well as it works for me now.
That is scary. I have always had a hidden bias that there was some universal, independent truth that would bring peace and happiness. Concluding internally that universal truth leads to autopilot may be the scariest thing I discovered in 2021.
[1] I only missed the first 11 days.
[2] Yes, Indiana *is* in the Midwest!
[3] Styx at Purdue University. Ok, it was the 80s by then.
[4] OR ELSE was a theme in my teen years.
[5] Trust me, I was never going to be an Olympic gymnast, and I didn’t even want to. But when my parents talked about my gymnastics, it was with the understanding I would be “all in”.
[6] I did get to choose when it was over.
[7] There is a hand motion for this. It isn’t dirty.
[8] I suggest checking out the book Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman
[9] I hope this is at least the middle.