There is one sure way to get me to do something — tell me I can’t.

This may seem¹Sometimes it does to me admirable. There is a certain 15 year old perspective inside of me that says no one is going to tell me what to do. When in that mindset, it seems clear I should celebrate my strength.

And yes, I see the irony that my having this mindset. It can be incredibly easy for someone to tell me exactly what not to do so they get their way.

Some people are very smart that way. Some people want to control others. We call it²Or we did in my younger days reverse psychology and I have to admit, I have been tempted to try this emotional device on my children from time to time.

At this more advanced age³Although sometimes I still feel 15. Just not in my knees., I hope I am somewhat resilient to using or receiving reverse psychology manipulations. Mostly. In the mornings. After two cups of coffee. I believe that the culmination of the experience I have gather over the last half century or so has made me more aware of my boundaries and when people try to push them. Or breach them. Or use them to their own advantage.

As I read through that paragraph, it seems a bit paranoid, but that long life of experience confirms my belief that just because I am paranoid does not mean people are not out to win.

But what does someone want to win from me?

One of the interesting things about interacting with other people, and their boundaries, is that the edge of my boundaries bumping up against yours may lead to a change in both your boundaries and mine. It is, what we call at times, making friends. Or perhaps, establishing that someone is your enemy. Of frenemy. 

Recently, I had a boundary interaction, and I am not sure I understand the results of it. My nemesis⁴For want of a better word, because nemesis is an awesome concept, don’t you think? in this situation wasn’t trying for reverse psychology. And they did not try to use persuasive techniques to bring me around to their side. They simply pointed out that the person in charge of both of our work worlds would be unhappy if I did what I wanted to do.

The thing is, I asked for their opinion. Sometimes, that is my first mistake. If I ask for reassurance that the choice I want to make is the right choice, I am both acknowledging it might not be the right choice and telling the other person their opinion has weight in my decision. I have already relaxed my fortress walls to allow someone else to say what I am going to do⁵Please see the reference to my inner 15 year old perspective above so that whatever reaction I get, I will not like it.

We are having an issue with the school LittleOne⁶I really need to change his moniker. He is taller than I am now by a good two inches. goes to in that we don’t think the school are respecting LittleOne’s boundaries and needs. Yes, I said boundaries and needs because they go hand in hand. I set a boundary because I need the space the boundary creates. Or because I need to protect something inside my boundary. If there was no need, why would I bother marking a space as mine? The problem is that there are multiple forces at work, and the lack of respect for boundaries is only one of them. I think it must have been simpler in the times when only one set of circumstances had to be considered.

Of course, that time probably didn’t exist.

Back to LittleOne, the only way to get the school and the teachers to change the situation is to talk to them. And that was hard. One reason it is hard is because the boundaries LittleOne has are not my boundaries. His interests and desires are not mine. It can be hard to advocate for someone who wants something different than the things I want for them. It was a good discussion, and it means we are in a better place to find the best possible outcomes for LittleOne completing his freshman year of high school.

I have a wonderful woman who runs her own company⁷https://www.facebook.com/3maidsservice/ who comes to clean my bathrooms and floors every other week. I think she is so amazing, I am grateful for this luxury, both that I can afford it and that I don’t take it for granted. I recommend her whole heartedly. However, when she first started working for us, she sometimes pushed my boundaries. While our home is messy, I am very particular about my kitchen. I clean the kitchen and set things up and move the things that need to be moved. I mean, the floor, yes, please clean it every other week for me. So, you see in this case, it was my somewhat strange, non-linear boundaries that caused the problem. She stopped mentioning it, but I bet she wishes she could do the whole shebang sometimes instead of just the little pieces I want done by someone else.

Unfortunately, I have also been thinking about when I can’t honor someone else’s boundaries. Being a parent is often about knowing when to push the boundaries of my kids haves set⁸Don’t get me started on how often the word fuck is used in my house.. I think it is important to respect them with your thoughts even if I ignore them with my deeds and dictates. On reflection, it isn’t just about kids — it is about anyone you love. Sometimes, I can see so clearly what someone else should do. Or must do. Do study harder. Don’t have that additional drink. Don’t do drugs. The dos and the don’ts live in my mind, and if I force my opinions on someone else, even out of love, I am violating their boundaries. No matter if I have the best intentions, I have to admit, it usually doesn’t end well.

I don’t advocate for removing boundaries. I don’t advocate for not trying to change boundaries. I don’t advocate for always bending to someone encroaching your boundaries. Instead, I suggest that having a think about what your boundaries are and how you manage them is a good mental exercise. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.