Recently, BigOne was invited to an Admitted Students reception at a local hotel. I thought it was a good idea, so they signed up to attend. A couple of days before the event I told them, “You will need to dress business casual^[1].”

I had been stressing about telling them how to dress for the reception because back in 2020, BigOne decided to start wearing dresses.

It started with shopping in mom’s closet and wearing some casual^[2] dresses around the house. This didn’t really bother me, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea^[3]. As time went by, I picked up some things in their size from Costco^[4]. As time went on, and there was going to be a return to school, I was worried about them wearing dresses and skirts to school.

First – I thought they would get beaten up^[5].

Second – I thought it might be against the dress code.

Third – I thought it would be confusing for their teachers.

And yet, it was not against the dress code. 

So. Well. I was trapped by my own parenting philosophy to provide context and possible consequences, but to allow my children to make their own choices^[6].

Scary.

It was about a year ago that they returned to school. Mostly, they wore cotton dresses or skirts over leggings or pants. They have an awesome pair of dress boots^[7]. Which fine, but nowhere near business casual. How do you select a business casual outfit when the child you are parenting does not wear the clothes assigned to their gender of birth but also does not wear the clothes they wear so as to present as the other gender^[8]? I was confused, but I decided to do the most unimaginable thing a parent could do – I asked BigOne.

When I said I thought they should wear business casual dress to the reception, they asked what it meant for clothes to be assigned as business casual^[9]. I asserted I wasn’t sure, but it seemed to be an expectation of conservative clothes that are not sloppy, not too revealing, and not too shocking. A little shock, I said, was ok. That, I maintained, would be taking care of by them wearing a skirt.

We returned to my closet to shop, and we found a nice dress^[10] and jacket^[11] that looked great on them. 

I am not sure how we got to the place in the conversation where I learned the most important thing. However, at some point, they told me that they wear the skirts and the dresses and the clothes the way they do because they want people who meet them to immediately understand they are not male. They want the people who meet them to understand they are not female.

BigOne did great in choosing, putting together, and executing a non-binary business casual outfit^[12]. The reception was a good chance for them to ask questions about possible minors, and they are super excited to start their journey at university.

All this got me thinking about how I choose to dress for work and what it says about how I want to present myself to the world. While they generally don’t sell suits for woman at Costco^[13], I have to admit^[14] that it is neither money nor availability that prevents me from wearing suits or formal work clothes or even traditional business casual clothes when I go to the office^[15]. I sometimes say it is the shoes^[16] or the fact that I have to tailor jackets to get them to look right on me. 

I realize I haven’t been honest with myself. I think, deep down, I feel the same way as BigOne^[17]. I want to make it clear that I want to dress myself as I want to dress myself and screw anyone who thinks I should spend more to look the way society thinks I should look.

I probably knew this about myself in the past. I am drawn to cheap clothes. Or bold clothes. Or comfortable clothes. And I don’t mind^[18] pushing the boundaries of business casual to make the impression I want to make.

Maybe I should revisit my work clothes now that the return to the office is looming. And if I do, I will keep in mind what I told BigOne – it is still business casual if you push the bounds a little bit. Just keep in mind that it should be consciously, and the dress code is about showing respect for your environment and for the people you are going to meet.

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^[1] To set the bounds of this, my office is mostly on the formal side of business casual. Suits are not required, but jeans are not welcome.

^[2] Not business casual. Cotton. Big. Pockets. Usually worn with leggings when flying.

^[3] I did point out that the main argument in my mind against skirts and dresses is chafing. 

^[4] My favorite place to buy clothes.

^[5] Please note my priorities, and lack of faith in fellow human beings, given the order.

^[6] Or mistakes.

^[7] Something about Kingdom Hearts whatever that is.

^[8] Seriously. Business casual is hard enough when you are willing to conform to the norms of society. Or think you are.

^[9] That is of course an excellent question that does not have an answer.

^[10] This was a target find that was tea length.

^[11] Costco!

^[12] I was wrong about the dress code though. Husband told me some of the kids at the reception were wearing pajamas.

^[13] About once a year they have special events with those kinds of clothes.

^[14] Even if I hate to…

^[15] More about the return to the office and office settings will come later.

^[16] We have already discussed that one to death, haven’t we?

^[17] And this is the one who thinks words are hard. Even if words are hard, they are good at words.

^[18] Even when I do a little…