Saturday LittleOne went away for two weeks of overnight camp without the internet1But that is not the focus of this LfZ..
Sunday BigOne was dropped off at their university to go attend two days of Orientation and five weeks of Summer Scholars to get two of their courses completed for their initial college degree2Husband and I are quite proud that they have lots of things they may study at the university level and beyond. We, however, said we will only pay for the first degree..
It was a Milestone.
Wikipedia tells us, “Milestones are installed to provide linear referencing points along the road.”3See Here And of course, being the reflective person I am, I started thinking about milestones along the Parenting Path4Not my first milestone as a mother. That was when the test came back positive and I was shocked to discover I could get pregnant after all.. I think the starting line is this incredibly vivid memory I have of bringing BigOne home from the hospital. We got one of the fancy infant carseats you could remove from the car to carry the child in from the car5Yep, that was a new thing back then and we felt we had splurged.,6We set the carseat on the floor with BigOne Sleeping. I was starving because they denied me food at the hospital. We stared at them with big eyes munching on Dominos pizza wondering what the hell we had gotten ourselves into..
Along the Parenting Path, milestones are helpful. You can use them to see how far you have come as a parent, and how far you have to go. But I have to say, parenting milestones are not the same as an individual’s milestones. This milestone, for Husband and I, is a different milestone than the one BigOne is experiencing. While we all started out at the same place, the path of parenting crosses a person’s life path at certain places. Birth. Starting School. Making the child learn to read. Making the parent despair in their parenting skills.
Some places, the roads cross and the Parenting Path takes a different direction than the child’s path. That is what I am having a very hard time accepting today – the day after college drop off. I am caught between my philosophy that we7Husband and I must let BigOne make their own choices and have their own experiences. We must not call them to see if they got up for class or if they made it to their appointment on time or if they succeeded in getting their ID. We must not do that. The Parenting Path, as of yesterday, had one HUGE change that I have been thinking about for a while. And dreading. Now, parenting is a pull function.
Up until now, and it is still the case with LittleOne, parenting has been a push function. I have agency in how much and when I get to affect my child’s life. Here are MY expectations Child. Meet them. Exceed them. Do your homework. Clean your room. Be the best that you can be.
If we try to keep parenting as a push function, we will go backwards on the parenting road. I feel in my bones that to keep moving forward, parenting needs to be a pull function now. BigOne can pull on his when they want to. We can offer8Sparingly. We can let them know we are here for them9Sparingly. They should know it by now. To reach the next milestone on the Parenting Path, we now have to wait for them to ask for help.
That is so very hard.
And necessary.
My biggest fear is not being them being late to class or getting a C or not getting something they strive for10My biggest fear used to be they would never find the passion to strive for something, and that proved to be an unfounded fear.. Now, my biggest fear is I no longer have any tools to keep them safe. When I acknowledge parenting is a pull function now, I accept it is up to them to make their choices, take their consequences, and learn from the results.
I’m scared. The world is a scary place full of violence and hate11It seems more so right now, but perhaps that is because a child I love is now more vulnerable.. But I respect my child, and I know that moving forward on the Parenting Path means I need to let them pull if they want help12And not remind them too often that they can pull on us if they want to..
And so. You might notice at the top of the page there is a new menu. Life Hacks. As with every tough change in life, I made a plan. This plan is to reduce the number of times I ask myself the questions, “Did I teach them the right things?” and “Do they know they can still reach out to us?” I decided not to make Life Hacks private because maybe you want to add your thoughts or a suggestion for a page or even be a guest author of a Life Hack. Maybe BigOne will learn something they want to pass along to their brother as they walk their road.
Maybe someday, BigOne will decide to jump on the wild hike known to me now as the Parenting Path. If they do, they will have their own parenting milestones. And maybe, it will help to know that when I really didn’t want to, I was able to let their path wander away from mine.
Well said!! One of my fears is that I didn’t tech them well enough in any given area. But I also take comfort in the fact that my three (30, 27, 25) are fairly self sufficient and don’t hesitate to ask for help if they need it.
Well said!! One of my fears is that I didn’t tech them well enough in any given area. But I also take comfort in the fact that my three (30, 27, 25) are fairly self sufficient and don’t hesitate to ask for help if they need it.
So.Hard.To.Let.Go.! Especially when we have direct experience in something they are dealing with and don’t want to take our advice. We’re not always right, but we are sometimes. We would like to think that the 18 years they were in our homes that we modeled good examples, but they have to figure some things out themselves. All we can do is hope that none of the mistakes they make are lifechanging in a negative way.
Keep up the insightful posts!